Author: be stronger than I was

I’ve been thinking more about you lately

be stronger than I was

And it bothers me that when I think of you I can’t just see the monster. I look at you when we were in high school from pictures and I remember you than. My phone notifies me of a picture from 5 years ago of you calling me baby, your one and only, your forever girl and I almost miss it. I almost wish you would have been better to me. But I know that you never could be. I wish you could have been better for us. But we were never what you wanted some days it hurts some days it kills others I hardly remember you exist except when I look at our kids. She has your smile, he has your eyes. But than I realize I don’t want them to grow up like you and try to fill the shoe of the man who broke a women. I want them to be nothing like you. I want her to live without ever feeling the hurt you gave me. I want him to love and to never hurt anyone the way you ever hurt me. I want them to both grow up knowing they’re enough. Even if you never look up and see who these little people turn out to be. I hope and I pray that one day I can take hold of all the strength you mistakenly gave me.

I can’t do so stuff. But your fine.

be stronger than I was

I can’t have my sheets rub the inside of my thigh while I sleep or I’ll wake up screaming in fear, I can’t wear curtain pieces of clothes both tight and loose because sometimes they rub me wrong and I WILL have a panic attack. I can’t sleep without pushing my blankets tightly around me so they don’t move to much or I’ll wake up scared in the pitch black. I can’t wear dresses that are above my knee or when they rest on me I’ll just itching so I don’t cry at work.

You always have and always will do whatever you fucking want. You don’t live with fear.

I can’t blame this forever.

I WILL GET STRONGER. I WILL BEAT MY FEAR. I WILL BE BETTER ON THE COME OUT.

One day I will be able to sleep with whatever blanket I want, I will be able to get in bed and fall sleep without being rapped in a cocoon, I will be able to wear the clothes I love, I will be able to do all the things I can’t right now.

And one day you will no longer have ANY control of my life. You will no longer matter at all because even my fear of you will fucking pass.

I will yet again come out bigger. Better. And stronger.

You will remain a fucking rapist who thinks he’s untouchable.

One day you will get all that you deserve. And lord I hope someone is there to see it because I won’t be around your toxic ass to bare witness myself.

Every time I think I’m getting better

be stronger than I was

My relationships down fall with my ex husband wasn’t a one and done get over it kind of thing. It was red flags, caution tape, do not enter, and than DANGER.

First we were so young and the red flag should have been his drinking, most people in there teens drink. Some turn out to be fine people…. with drinking problems…. others use the already shitty behavior into a gateway to a downward spiral…. I should have been smart enough given my raising to know better…. I should have really stopped and looked at his family and there honest love for being shit faced. I over looked it thinking he’d grow out of it. How fucking stupid that was…

Second he started experimenting with drugs… not meth or like heroin. Although I am almost POSITIVE they did end up doing heroin. Although he would have never shot us because he passes out at the sight of needles. Can you snort Heroin? Nope his new found love affair was with “snow”….. and he fell for her hard. Of course he didn’t develop a cocaine addiction just right over night. But gradually he fell under the trap. He would always say it’s just at parties or whatever. But I knew better and over looked it because “ I loved him” 🤮. THAT IS NEVER A GOOD REASON PEOPLE. All the while I never drink, never have never will and ABSOLUTELY NEVER DID ANY DRUGS. When you grow up watching that shit ruin people around you, some learn that isn’t what they want. Others believe that is normal.

Third he cheated on me twice. Now he’ll never admit it. But his dumb just got busted anyways. One girl a dirty nasty little thing came to me A YEAR LATER AT WORK because “ she was madly in love “. He said she was crazy it never happened. Meanwhile I remember the night in question very clearly and I did and still do believe it did in fact happen. I stayed because his manipulative ways worked there magic and made me feel like “ he didn’t. He would. He loves me “ again 🤮. The second time he cheated on me was with a female roommate. Who mind you never said a thing in the year we lived there but as soon as we moved because she went crazy and threatened to shoot me. Started saying they were together the whole year we all lived together. I was like she’s lyinggggg she’s mad because we dipped in the time she was at work packed told the landlord why and we were OUTSKI. Nope. This bitch had photographic evidence. She saved ALLLLL THERE MESSAGES and screen shot and sent them all to me. Mind you at this point I was pregnant so the timing was just poetic ya know? Her saying how bad she wanted to “suck him dry” him saying he was at work. I worked nights so it really was perfect for them. I showed him all the shit including there code “E.M.F.S.B” which means empty my fucking sack bitch. So they were just SO romantic you know what I mean. He says all the normal shit. JK. Examples “ my coworker had my phone “ “ it was a joke” “ she walked around naked but you saw the size of her I couldn’t fuck that” or the ever popular “baby you’re pregnant with my baby why would I risk loosing you guys” “baby your my only. We’re getting married why would I mess that up” . BLAH BLAH that should have been my bitch get someone to help you put on your running shoes time to go.

But no Fourth and finally the rape and sexual assault was my final straw. Again pregnant. He still had drinking problems, he still loved snow, and probably still loved other women.. he was high on cocaine with a bloody nose DURING OUR WEDDING VOWS AND TOLD ME HE HIT HIS FACE ON A GOLF CART STEERING WHEEL. He says the reason he sexually assaulted and raped me was because he was doing to much “partying and I wouldn’t have sex with him” mind you I was PREGNANT AND THE ONLY ONE WITH OUR TWO-YEAR OLD ALL THE TIME. One night I was pregnant, sick, dizzy, my two year old could climb out of her crib and scared I was going to pass out. He said he was down the road working on a buddy’s car a few weeks later he confessed he was actually at a strip club.

The reason for the title; my boyfriend has NEVER done anything like that to me ever…. yet when he’s on his phone I wonder who he’s talking to, when he’s working after work (he’s a very hard working man he’s a mechanics so he does side jobs) I wonder if that’s really where he is, when he’s 20 mins “late” getting home I wonder why he’s not there who he’s with.

I know in my heart he is not being unfaithful to me but I go there sometimes. Sometimes I say stupid shit like “ okay I am leaving you can go back to talking to your other girlfriends now” I know those things hurt him. I don’t say them to hurt him. I don’t even mean to say them my dumb ass just does and I don’t know how to stop.

I need to relearn how to trust. I know that I do and I work so hard at it because I know not every relationship will be like the one with my ex-husband, and I mean relationships as in romantic like with my boyfriend or platonic like with my friends. Getting hurt like that might kill me though.

I have been thinking

be stronger than I was

I am so lucky. It sounds crazy because of what happened to me right? But I am. I am lucky because I knew I had people to help me get out of my situation, people who believed me, people who believed in me…. a lot of people in my situation aren’t so lucky, a lot of people have nobody to talk to. Nobody to trust. Nobody who’s going to believe them, or believe in them… nobody to help them see the way out….

I didn’t always know I had everything I did. For months I suffered quietly hoping it would just stop all on its own… Hoping he would want to be better and do better for our kids. I confronted him, I would kick him with all my might when he was doing what he did, I would yell “STOP” “ I DONT WANT TO DO THIS” but it didn’t work. I was scared that people wouldn’t believe me because of how perfect he acted around everyone else. That I would be told I was over reacting.

If I was pregnant and at risk of loosing our child. I don’t know if I myself would have even been smart enough to have gotten out. But as soon as I came out to my father. On that Saturday night my whole world changed….

All the sudden I had family in my corner and I hadn’t felt that safe in I can’t tell you how long. Loosing him at first seemed like the hardest thing. That first night after getting back from the police station I was so scared and sad. I finally went to bed at 3 am. That was my first night not having him next to me in YEARS, and even with what he did. Not having him next to me was so hard. It felt like nothing was ever going to be okay again.

But you know. The first night without him was the hardest, and than as if like a switch in my head was being flipped every single night got better. I thought I must have been doing something wrong because everyone told me how hard it was going to be for a while, but it wasn’t. I finally was sleep. Night terrors and all waking up in the bed alone was honestly my saving grace. Every single night got even better and everyday it got easier.

I was so scared to be a single parent pregnant and with a 2 year old but considering his parenting style of do nothing. It was basically the same except even my daughters attitude changed almost immediately, my rude not listening and overly emotional child because a happy, sassy, funny little love bug as soon as he moved out. The tension in the air was gone and she knew it.

My baby would catch me crying and would come wipe away my tears, kiss me and say “i wove you mommyyy” I know not everyone gets away like that.

But I did and my life has done nothing but improve. Meanwhile he continues on a downward spiral, all along people thought it was me holding him down… Now those who pay any attention see that it wasn’t the case at all quite literally the opposite. He’s still a drug loving, alcohol drinking, pussy chasing chicken shit.. who at 23 nearly died from pancreatitis his doctors determined was due to his drinking party loving life style…

And Me? I am with the real man of my dream, a person who lifts me up when I am down, loves me and my children, try’s to understand my PTSD… my kids happier and healthier than ever even though my son doesn’t know his dad. I got my dream job. We no longer live in a tiny apartment. We moved into the house my significant other owns with a big yard, I have a nice car, and a life I am proud to say is mine.

This is how I know I am a lucky one.

Rape culture is fucked

be stronger than I was

I do not understand why rape culture is how it is. Why do we defend the rapist and blame the victims. Why do we say how wonderful they were in there past trying to protect WHAT they are now. That being said why do we point out the bad a victim did ever as if that’s what justifies them being raped. Not just women are victims of sexual abuse. But how often do men come forward. Would you? Women who are raped are disregarded saying they provoked it… Men who are raped? They secretly wanted it or what!!? “They wouldn’t have gotten hard”. What a god damn joke. I hate that people automatically assume you did something wrong, or didn’t do enough to stop it. I hate that as the victim you have to constantly defend yourself but your rapist only once or twice has to defend themselves before their life moves on. I now have PTSD to live with the rest of mine. My new love in my life knows what happened to me and is worried to scare me, or “trigger” me. Meanwhile he tells his new lovers and those women just accept it. Why? How can this possibly be the world we live in. I know there are many issues in this world. I just don’t understand how this is still such a big one amongst the rest.

Nearly loosing you.

be stronger than I was

I was scared to tell anyone. It had been happening for months, 5 to be specific. I was to scared to tell anyone not because I figured he would hurt me. But because I knew him before the drugs. I knew him before the drinking. I knew him when we had similar dreams, hopes, goals. When we wanted something more similar. Lately he’d become a different person. The person he’d always been. But the person I hadn’t seen. I loved him. In the strongest way. We had a child together, we were pretty newly married, and I was pregnant. I’d told him to stop. He didn’t see an issue with his actions. I started bleeding a lot. Constantly doctors telling me I had a hemorrhage, finally one Dr. I had seen a few times got brave and said to me “you don’t have to tell me what’s happening to you; but if it doesn’t stop you’re going to loose your baby”. I told him she said that hoping and praying the idea of loosing our baby would stop him. It didn’t he assaulted me again that night. The next day while working I told him that he was raping me. He said “ you can’t rape your wife.” That was my moment the moment I realized he genuinely didn’t realize how his actions were wrong. I went to my families to hang out and ended up confessing to my father because I was out of options at that point and scared to loose my pregnancy. Instantly he made me call the police. At 9:30 pm on that cold night my whole life changed. My ex husband slept over someone’s house that night since I said I was staying with my family. And I didn’t even up sleeping that night. I went to two different police stations. Talking to countless police and than finally a judge who granted me my restraining orders right away. AS A VICTIM HAVING THE POLICE BELIVE ME WAS AMAZING BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS HEAR ABOUT THE OTHER SIDE: disbelieving. He was served at 3:30 AM wasted and probably high at a friends moms house. Just a few hours later he went to my home where I was on my way too with our first child and stole my dog and TRASHED my apartment. I passed him and saw my dog in the back seat. I called the police. He was arrested 27 mins exactly later. The police brought me back my beautiful dog. His whole family watched him be cuffed and stuff. HE DIDNT TELL ANYONE WHAT HAD BEEN HAPPENING. when he got there he said I was busy. Not that he was in trouble. They all called yelling at me I was a horrible, lying, disgusting person. Nobody knew anything. But they automatically assumed I had lied.

I hate that they are called triggers

be stronger than I was

I hate this because of how accurate the term is. My assault happened while I slept. I am scared of the dark now. Or people being near me. I am so scared of basic things because of this. Someone brushing by me in the store can send me into orbit. Yet I just push it way down. And just implode in my car. My triggers are in so ways so stupid. But to me they’re world stopping. I can’t use sheets because if they brush me while I sleep. I will have full blown panic attacks.