Every time I think I’m getting better

My relationships down fall with my ex husband wasn’t a one and done get over it kind of thing. It was red flags, caution tape, do not enter, and than DANGER.

First we were so young and the red flag should have been his drinking, most people in there teens drink. Some turn out to be fine people…. with drinking problems…. others use the already shitty behavior into a gateway to a downward spiral…. I should have been smart enough given my raising to know better…. I should have really stopped and looked at his family and there honest love for being shit faced. I over looked it thinking he’d grow out of it. How fucking stupid that was…

Second he started experimenting with drugs… not meth or like heroin. Although I am almost POSITIVE they did end up doing heroin. Although he would have never shot us because he passes out at the sight of needles. Can you snort Heroin? Nope his new found love affair was with “snow”….. and he fell for her hard. Of course he didn’t develop a cocaine addiction just right over night. But gradually he fell under the trap. He would always say it’s just at parties or whatever. But I knew better and over looked it because “ I loved him” 🤮. THAT IS NEVER A GOOD REASON PEOPLE. All the while I never drink, never have never will and ABSOLUTELY NEVER DID ANY DRUGS. When you grow up watching that shit ruin people around you, some learn that isn’t what they want. Others believe that is normal.

Third he cheated on me twice. Now he’ll never admit it. But his dumb just got busted anyways. One girl a dirty nasty little thing came to me A YEAR LATER AT WORK because “ she was madly in love “. He said she was crazy it never happened. Meanwhile I remember the night in question very clearly and I did and still do believe it did in fact happen. I stayed because his manipulative ways worked there magic and made me feel like “ he didn’t. He would. He loves me “ again 🤮. The second time he cheated on me was with a female roommate. Who mind you never said a thing in the year we lived there but as soon as we moved because she went crazy and threatened to shoot me. Started saying they were together the whole year we all lived together. I was like she’s lyinggggg she’s mad because we dipped in the time she was at work packed told the landlord why and we were OUTSKI. Nope. This bitch had photographic evidence. She saved ALLLLL THERE MESSAGES and screen shot and sent them all to me. Mind you at this point I was pregnant so the timing was just poetic ya know? Her saying how bad she wanted to “suck him dry” him saying he was at work. I worked nights so it really was perfect for them. I showed him all the shit including there code “E.M.F.S.B” which means empty my fucking sack bitch. So they were just SO romantic you know what I mean. He says all the normal shit. JK. Examples “ my coworker had my phone “ “ it was a joke” “ she walked around naked but you saw the size of her I couldn’t fuck that” or the ever popular “baby you’re pregnant with my baby why would I risk loosing you guys” “baby your my only. We’re getting married why would I mess that up” . BLAH BLAH that should have been my bitch get someone to help you put on your running shoes time to go.

But no Fourth and finally the rape and sexual assault was my final straw. Again pregnant. He still had drinking problems, he still loved snow, and probably still loved other women.. he was high on cocaine with a bloody nose DURING OUR WEDDING VOWS AND TOLD ME HE HIT HIS FACE ON A GOLF CART STEERING WHEEL. He says the reason he sexually assaulted and raped me was because he was doing to much “partying and I wouldn’t have sex with him” mind you I was PREGNANT AND THE ONLY ONE WITH OUR TWO-YEAR OLD ALL THE TIME. One night I was pregnant, sick, dizzy, my two year old could climb out of her crib and scared I was going to pass out. He said he was down the road working on a buddy’s car a few weeks later he confessed he was actually at a strip club.

The reason for the title; my boyfriend has NEVER done anything like that to me ever…. yet when he’s on his phone I wonder who he’s talking to, when he’s working after work (he’s a very hard working man he’s a mechanics so he does side jobs) I wonder if that’s really where he is, when he’s 20 mins “late” getting home I wonder why he’s not there who he’s with.

I know in my heart he is not being unfaithful to me but I go there sometimes. Sometimes I say stupid shit like “ okay I am leaving you can go back to talking to your other girlfriends now” I know those things hurt him. I don’t say them to hurt him. I don’t even mean to say them my dumb ass just does and I don’t know how to stop.

I need to relearn how to trust. I know that I do and I work so hard at it because I know not every relationship will be like the one with my ex-husband, and I mean relationships as in romantic like with my boyfriend or platonic like with my friends. Getting hurt like that might kill me though.

I have been thinking

I am so lucky. It sounds crazy because of what happened to me right? But I am. I am lucky because I knew I had people to help me get out of my situation, people who believed me, people who believed in me…. a lot of people in my situation aren’t so lucky, a lot of people have nobody to talk to. Nobody to trust. Nobody who’s going to believe them, or believe in them… nobody to help them see the way out….

I didn’t always know I had everything I did. For months I suffered quietly hoping it would just stop all on its own… Hoping he would want to be better and do better for our kids. I confronted him, I would kick him with all my might when he was doing what he did, I would yell “STOP” “ I DONT WANT TO DO THIS” but it didn’t work. I was scared that people wouldn’t believe me because of how perfect he acted around everyone else. That I would be told I was over reacting.

If I was pregnant and at risk of loosing our child. I don’t know if I myself would have even been smart enough to have gotten out. But as soon as I came out to my father. On that Saturday night my whole world changed….

All the sudden I had family in my corner and I hadn’t felt that safe in I can’t tell you how long. Loosing him at first seemed like the hardest thing. That first night after getting back from the police station I was so scared and sad. I finally went to bed at 3 am. That was my first night not having him next to me in YEARS, and even with what he did. Not having him next to me was so hard. It felt like nothing was ever going to be okay again.

But you know. The first night without him was the hardest, and than as if like a switch in my head was being flipped every single night got better. I thought I must have been doing something wrong because everyone told me how hard it was going to be for a while, but it wasn’t. I finally was sleep. Night terrors and all waking up in the bed alone was honestly my saving grace. Every single night got even better and everyday it got easier.

I was so scared to be a single parent pregnant and with a 2 year old but considering his parenting style of do nothing. It was basically the same except even my daughters attitude changed almost immediately, my rude not listening and overly emotional child because a happy, sassy, funny little love bug as soon as he moved out. The tension in the air was gone and she knew it.

My baby would catch me crying and would come wipe away my tears, kiss me and say “i wove you mommyyy” I know not everyone gets away like that.

But I did and my life has done nothing but improve. Meanwhile he continues on a downward spiral, all along people thought it was me holding him down… Now those who pay any attention see that it wasn’t the case at all quite literally the opposite. He’s still a drug loving, alcohol drinking, pussy chasing chicken shit.. who at 23 nearly died from pancreatitis his doctors determined was due to his drinking party loving life style…

And Me? I am with the real man of my dream, a person who lifts me up when I am down, loves me and my children, try’s to understand my PTSD… my kids happier and healthier than ever even though my son doesn’t know his dad. I got my dream job. We no longer live in a tiny apartment. We moved into the house my significant other owns with a big yard, I have a nice car, and a life I am proud to say is mine.

This is how I know I am a lucky one.