I have been thinking

I am so lucky. It sounds crazy because of what happened to me right? But I am. I am lucky because I knew I had people to help me get out of my situation, people who believed me, people who believed in me…. a lot of people in my situation aren’t so lucky, a lot of people have nobody to talk to. Nobody to trust. Nobody who’s going to believe them, or believe in them… nobody to help them see the way out….

I didn’t always know I had everything I did. For months I suffered quietly hoping it would just stop all on its own… Hoping he would want to be better and do better for our kids. I confronted him, I would kick him with all my might when he was doing what he did, I would yell “STOP” “ I DONT WANT TO DO THIS” but it didn’t work. I was scared that people wouldn’t believe me because of how perfect he acted around everyone else. That I would be told I was over reacting.

If I was pregnant and at risk of loosing our child. I don’t know if I myself would have even been smart enough to have gotten out. But as soon as I came out to my father. On that Saturday night my whole world changed….

All the sudden I had family in my corner and I hadn’t felt that safe in I can’t tell you how long. Loosing him at first seemed like the hardest thing. That first night after getting back from the police station I was so scared and sad. I finally went to bed at 3 am. That was my first night not having him next to me in YEARS, and even with what he did. Not having him next to me was so hard. It felt like nothing was ever going to be okay again.

But you know. The first night without him was the hardest, and than as if like a switch in my head was being flipped every single night got better. I thought I must have been doing something wrong because everyone told me how hard it was going to be for a while, but it wasn’t. I finally was sleep. Night terrors and all waking up in the bed alone was honestly my saving grace. Every single night got even better and everyday it got easier.

I was so scared to be a single parent pregnant and with a 2 year old but considering his parenting style of do nothing. It was basically the same except even my daughters attitude changed almost immediately, my rude not listening and overly emotional child because a happy, sassy, funny little love bug as soon as he moved out. The tension in the air was gone and she knew it.

My baby would catch me crying and would come wipe away my tears, kiss me and say “i wove you mommyyy” I know not everyone gets away like that.

But I did and my life has done nothing but improve. Meanwhile he continues on a downward spiral, all along people thought it was me holding him down… Now those who pay any attention see that it wasn’t the case at all quite literally the opposite. He’s still a drug loving, alcohol drinking, pussy chasing chicken shit.. who at 23 nearly died from pancreatitis his doctors determined was due to his drinking party loving life style…

And Me? I am with the real man of my dream, a person who lifts me up when I am down, loves me and my children, try’s to understand my PTSD… my kids happier and healthier than ever even though my son doesn’t know his dad. I got my dream job. We no longer live in a tiny apartment. We moved into the house my significant other owns with a big yard, I have a nice car, and a life I am proud to say is mine.

This is how I know I am a lucky one.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s